August 2022.  Six months ago seems like a lifetime.  Where have I been?  I am looking back at how long it has been since I made a post and am not quite sure where I have been.  I’m trying to look back at what has happened to not only my content, but my energy.  Last August, I was in a place I was content with.  I was living my life maintaining where my disability had placed me.  I was choosing joy and refusing to let pain, loss or change push me off my path.  I was enjoying friendships though they were mostly virtual and preparing my youngest to head off to college.

That is where I was, but I just realized I have no idea where I’ve been.  As I think about it right now though I’m having trouble remembering the last five years let alone the last six months.  It’s pretty normal to have to stop and think about what you did yesterday or even last week.  I’ve talked about my issues with brain fog and cognitive issues frequently in the past.  I’ve reported to my neurologist that I felt my cognitive issues have increased with each of my yearly appointments.  I can actually *feel* how I spoke about each each time with increasing urgency.  Today, starting this post I suddenly feel like I should have been more insistent and urgent with my requests.  Beth, where HAVE you been?

I quickly think… I don’t have a calendar, I don’t keep a journal.  Think damnit, Think…  Okay. Just like looking for my lost keys, I backtrack in my brain.  What month is this?  *looks at computer date*  March!!  Yes, of course it’s March!  I ordered my new LEGO sets that came out.  Okay, good.  Now *looking around my room* it clicks..  I’m in bed.  I had another set of patches for my CSF leak last.. last week?  No, not last week think again… February….  February 8th?  SHIT SHIT SHIT. Opens iphone calendar.

Thank god I try to keep all of my appointments in my phone calendar.  If I think about it, I remember specifically having to start using it instead of a written calendar because I was forgetting to look at my written calendar.  Putting things on my phone calendar with alarms was my way to remember things.  It was, just like other people, finding a new way of managing something.  I specifically remember my therapist saying I am going to have to find new ways of managing changes in life.  Yes, I am aging and we all need to manage changes with age.. That is normal.  That was five years ago so I should easily be able to go back through my calendar and remember.

I opened my calendar and switched it to year view.  I scrolled back to August and immediately see highlighted dates.  I was obviously using my calendar and now I can look at things and remember.  Now, I can look at things and…. I look at the appointments and realize they mean nothing to me.  Tuesday the 15th “Richard at work”, wtf would I put that in for?  I realized that it was on every Tuesday in the calendar.  Like looking for my keys, I squirrel off and start thinking backwards as to why I have that on my calendar.  Right, Richard works from home but on Tuesdays he has to go into work.  I put that on the calendar so I can remember not to make appointments on Tuesdays. 

I’m laughing at myself because I know this is probably very normal.  Very normal for busy people who are trying to keep their daily lives straight.  I do not however have a busy life and only have to keep things straight for myself.  My main job in life is keeping myself happy, healthy and joyful.  My husband is healthy, my children have moved out and I don’t have to report to anyone except my dog.  Now I will spend the evening see what has been on my calendar for the last six months.  I will think back and use my next coping skill of making bullet points of what I did so I can then try to formulate a map of what it was that I actually did.  Beth, where have you been?